my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
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“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
This kinda thing happens to me often
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Ummm
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes