wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
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A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.