Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
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Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old