Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
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god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
*launders Kohls cash*
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…