Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
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Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da