it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
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“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
is this a warning or an offer?
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.