I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
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I thought this was funny lol
accurate
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.