Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
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I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
A wise man once said nothing.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi