Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
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Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?