If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
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it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Awwwww shit.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves