Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
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In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy