When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
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I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application