I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
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Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.