My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
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This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.