Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
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I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
OMG 🤣🤣
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
peep davidson
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next