The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
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(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.