The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
You Might Also Like
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’