Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
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My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Every time.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”