• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
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[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF