Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
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every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
A fake ID that makes you younger
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.