There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
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Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁