It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
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When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
I found your tweet-up…
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.