If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
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I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers