At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
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[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.