Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
You Might Also Like
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
good for her
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Erm…
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot