What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
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me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car