*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
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Yup
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Yep.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease