I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
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Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.