Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
You Might Also Like
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
moms in horror movies
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.