When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
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I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Carpe DM
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.