Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
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[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.