hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
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*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
I feel this so hard
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name