[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
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The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
what’s more important?
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
giddy up Office Depot
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious