Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
You Might Also Like
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
broke down and did it
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth