if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 馃
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me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It鈥檚 like a thrilling live performance of an email
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like鈥igh speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
One thing they don鈥檛 tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
I don鈥檛 whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
i wish we could shoplift online
professor x: what鈥檚 your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome