Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
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What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
is this meant to deter me
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..