Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
You Might Also Like
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway