Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
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The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
absolutely not
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.