In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
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ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here