Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
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Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”