Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
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Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun