Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
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Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.