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Reporter: *ports again*
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
I would give up shouting at trees for you.