Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
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He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
your honor my client chooses dare
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.