Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
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You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”