DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
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Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Denise please return my vape pen
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.