Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
You Might Also Like
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u