Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
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[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets