*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
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cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
wtf is an acronym
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.