I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
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God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
The Book. The Movie.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.